On the train, on the way to my final stop Osaka, I couldnt help but dwell on what had happened, even though I told Paul last night when he asked me how it went that I was gonna "fuck it". It feels like I have come off of it all like a bad guy and she a victim when I feel she should share a portion of the blame as to what went wrong. And it went so fucking wrong I cant even comprehend why it did. And I guess its all a matter of perspectives, the way we view the world and the way we deal with situations. I feel I have to write this all down so i can somehow make better sense of this mess and perhaps glean some lessons from it. We live, and we learn, dont we.

So I go back to Monday, when we left for different destinations on good terms, after all we had a wonderful Sunday in Osaka didnt we, ending it off sharing a blanket with a good friend watching Last Life In the Universe and finding parallels between our situation and the movie. So the next day, she went to school and I went to Nara and I was supposed to look for her in school to go to some temple nearby, but I decided she was probably too tired after we turned in only at 3am in the morning, so I told her I was going to Fushimi Inari instead and I got lost coming down the mountain so I only got back at her place at around 6 when it was already dark where I called her and she told me she was having friends over for dinner and told me to buy pasta ingredients from the supermarket, I realised I had only 800 yen left but I decided I would go anyway to see what I could get. The big tomatoes were too expensive, and I couldnt find minced meat since the Japanese staff did not understand what I was saying so I went home with only half of what she wanted, but offered to go again with more money, and I ran all the way there because she told me to hurry, her friends were coming, only for her to comment on how stupid I was not being able to find the minced meat, and "coming home only with half the ingredients" and when the food was served, I said "hmm its not bad" which I meant in a good way but you could see the storm clouds gathering for she took that as me being unappreciative and then she goes on to tell her friends in front of me how much of a hassle putting me up has been, she feels that I have taken her for granted and I guess and it was all the little things like not saying "thanks" more often or asking her if she did the laundry because I needed my towel and she construed that to mean I treated her as the a hotel maid.

So you can expect that I wasnt in the best spirits, and then after I bathed as I was taking off my lens behind where she was blogging on her laptop and I saw her posting a picture of our Osaka trip and as I took a closer look which some people might consider rude , I was curious and I saw that the post title was titled <16 sq meters of agony> and so I decided that if she was so upset I would move out so as not to inconvenience her anymore, or be labelled a burden but that didnt mean I was angry with her or didnt want to be friends with her anymore so I dont know why she was so angry the next morning, and I guess I should have tried to talk to her instead of rashly deciding to move out, but I was tired and irritated after a long day lost in the inari hills, and since I had said I would move out, I couldnt not move out the next morning and you could see her eyes getting red so it somehow spiralled out of control with me and my clumsy attempts at trying to make sure we part ways on amiable terms, but she being so angry which I couldnt really understand why(I still dont) and I was trying to make her listen to my explanation, buying her breakfast the next day and then going in the night to her place because I had spontaneously bought her a xmas present as I was shopping for presents for other friends but somehow that made her even madder, perhaps I went too late, making me out like a stalker. The harder I tried to make amends, the worse the situation got.

I guess the biggest mistake was me making myself too at home, because I thought she was a good friend and she didnt care about all the little gestures of decorum you uphold with less close friends, its like I am grateful to you for putting me up but I dont have to say it every hour of the day do I? And each time I ask her why she was so unhappy, she refused to tell me. How am I supposed to know, laid-back me if you dont tell me, how was I to know that asking whether she did the laundry because I need a towel to bathe would make her feel like I was treating her like a laundry maid? I thought it showed that she was appreciated, from me taking the effort to make her a real living xmas tree, blinking lights and all and buying her presents from every part of Japan that I travelled to using my JR pass, from me trudging into Japan with heavy bundles of singapore food, pandan leaves, noodles, coconut milk and all. I dont expect to be thanked but I didnt expect that after waking up early to try to cook her nasi lemak, I would be scolded for being an idiot because I used too much rice, 2 cups more and using too much coconut milk, and her being irritated at me for waking her up too early when it was she who told me the night before to wake her up and it seems she comes out of this looking like the victim and me the big bad wolf . I may be tactless and stubborn at times, and for all that I will apologize but I also believe that she was oversensitive.

And this is all that I will say about this matter. I resolve to put it all behind. This aside, it has been a good trip, where I made alot of friends from different countries, which on hindsight, some I may not have met, Paul from Manchester whom I really enjoyed talking to, Yoshi from Okinawa who showed us around Kyoto and who brought us to a Japanese restaurant for a good dinner, Megumi from Tokyo, eye candy and Pierre the Frenchman, romantic and thoughtful born in the wrong era, if I had not moved out. I regret deeply that I lost a good friend, hindsight is a wonderful thing if it wasnt too already too late, but I realise there is nothing more I can do about it except to let it slide.