Those who are dead are not dead They’re just living in my head.

Coming home, I pass by the shopfront, all is quiet, and I can make out the ticking of the clock. Suddenly it starts to chime for 5pm, startling me. Did he hang himself at 5am?

It's been 4 days, but it still lingers on in my mind. His actions I struggle to fathom . I feel this sadness, a sense of guilt that we did nothing to prevent it, we were helpless to prevent it. On Tuesday over MSN, my cousins Xinlei and Qingyang, siblings in Beijing, they had got wind of the news and I filled them in on the details and in our conversations, it struck me that if our postulations were correct, and he killed himself because his provision shop business, his life for the last 20 or so years, was failing, then "Fairprice, Carrefour, Giant, Cold Storage," they killed him and so did we, with our indifference.

Early this morning, while everyone else in the block was asleep, he prepared the noose, making sure it would be strong enough. Because it was so stuffy inside the tiny provision shop, he usually slept topless, but this time he had put on a shirt, yellow I heard it was. He got onto his stool and then he hung himself, the loneliest man in the world. What went through his mind in those final moments, we will never know. What was it that pushed him to the brink, gave him no choice? What turmoil he must have felt inside of him, or did he go, resigned and tired with this struggle of a life? In the evening tabloids, as usual, a sensationalization of tragedy, they claimed he was depressed over his poor business, he was in debt they said. Yet there was never any clue, coming home each day, I would stop by to pick up a copy of the New Paper and we would exchange words, and he never showed any sign of being depressed. If he needed some money, all he had to do was to ask and I am sure many of the residents would have been willing to help him. How much would you give if you knew for sure it would save a life, $50? $100 $500?
He was always salvaging and building stuff out of the old furniture, the old radios, televisions thrown out by residents of the block, or he would be fishing in the canal nearby or harvesting mangoes from the fruit trees that grew along the canal. He was truly a kampung boy at heart. Perhaps that was it, a kampung boy lost in a world that was moving too fast for him to understand. He was just the shopkeeper below my block, but he watched me grow up and it will take some getting used to. I am sad.

The initial suggestions were "lup sup" bar or Hooters, but in the end we settled on Brewerkz without the sleaze for a session of male bonding, a celebration of friendship as Lulu readies himself to take the plunge this Sunday. Kay Yong made a rare appearance looking supremely well-fed, he's working in Zheng Fa live seafood as a taster now so, it's no wonder( just joking). Dunno if this is the end of our beer sessions, I hope not, but Lulu has always been the main initiator and once he signs on the line this Sunday, he will have his missus standing between him and the door in future.



This could be the end of an era, Kenny where were you ?!

While waiting for Jaime, I browsed through some books at Borders. Flipping through the pages, looking at the pictures, reading the captions, my heart ached.

15 minutes to midnight, just after i put the finishing touch to the power-point slides for use in tomorrow's lesson, that mad streak caught hold of me, that unexplainable desire to punish myself, drench myself in sweat, to feel alive with my heart pounding madly inside of its cavity behind my lungs, to have my body beg me to stop, and have my my willpower ultimately endure, seeing me through to the end. I slipped on my running shoes and went out for a 15 minute run across and around my estate, waking up all the sleeping cats and then like the dessert to a satisfying meal, I ran up the stairs 21 storeys to the top of the block with the view of the sea and at the end of it I was wheezing like a gazelle who had just escaped a cheetah. That mad mad streak of masochism.

In between dives, on saturday onboard the Beach Boy, I caught Sharkwater, which moved me to the core. I am toying with the idea of writing in to ST forum to urge the government to impose a ban on shark fins. This is my plea, to my friends, anyone reading this, join me and stop consuming shark fins. Only when the buying stops will the killing stop. (Pause the song to view the video.)

Abandon Boat!
Definitely not the best dive trip I'd had. Mainly because on the 2nd dive, David's underwater camera, which I was holding on to, well, sort of drifted away, actually no one knows how it disappeared. It happened at Tiger Reef. We were about to swim through the mouth of the coral canyon when my regulator was tugged out of my mouth by the girl above me. Her fin had gotten tangled up in the rubber tubing which supplied the air from the tank to my regulator. She panicked and started kicking about, trying to dislodge her fin, resulting in a cloud of bubbles as i struggled to retrieve the regulator. The camera slipped from my hand and by the time everything subsided and I had got the regulator back safely in my mouth and was breathing again, the camera was nowhere to be found, in that 20 or so seconds, the current had carried it out of sight, which means I'll have to compensate David, $400 dollars, enough to sponsor 2 of my friends to Singfest!

A costly lesson, not to borrow someone's camera when you go diving.

Why so serious?

If you saw the trailers and thought you could predict what happens, you will be in for a big surprise. The Dark Knight, directed by Memento's Christopher Nolan, surpassed all of my expectations. Not wanting to spoil anything, I will just say you gotta go catch it! If not for the terrific acting; Heath Ledger Oscar-worthy seriously and not because he passed away, Aaron Eckhart, Christian Bale, John Goodman(commisioner Gordon) then maybe to laugh at Edison's 2 second blink and you'll miss it cameo lol.

Don't be mistaken, I ain't Emo.



Ang Mo Kio at night; avenues flanked by those great old trees, and the florescent spiel from the seemingly identical rectangular blocks of flats which make navigation through the seven neighbourhoods a confusing exercise, brings with it a rash of recollection, of those carefree late nights with Josephine, driving through the very same streets on our way somewhere,and you wonder how so much time can be reduced to a mere instant of memory.

Lots of good movies coming up, Must watch Superheroes for us boys. Hellboy II and then the Dark Knight, Heath Ledger(the late) could be the darkest villain ever. And then some history with the 3 Kingdoms Epic, Red Cliff. Lots of popcorn for the next few weeks.

My best shot all week.

Da4 Xi4

Donut Factory has dropped its prices, for a box of 12 delicious donuts, you pay $11 which comes up to about 91 cents each. I changed my mind and decided on a box of 12 instead of 6 for 6.30, but Nerine stuck to her box of 6. I swear she's disappearing, that skinny lil' woodstock should eat more! She's making Lucy look fat!