Someone distract me. I am worried worried worried. Worried about her surgery tomorrow. If it goes awry, touchwood, I will never forgive myself.

倔强

 

So it was a brief sleep. I tumbled out of bed round about 545am, and as my eyes adjusted and found their focus, I could see that it was a misty morning, a very unfamiliar sight, it was chilly but not uncomfortable, at least physically. The mechanical beasts of steel and other metal opposite in the construction site were not yet awoken. It was quiet save for the sporadic chirping of early rising birds. And then the thoughts returned and the pounding in my heart returned and I knew I had to get back to sleep so i went out into the hall to lay down on the sofa, but the songs on my playlist were no good to lull me back to sleep, and I could feel that horrible unease in my heart start to amplify. I put the ipod on to shuffle mode, the first 2 songs were no good, and then the 3rd song gave me a huge lift, trust Mayday to save the day, the lyrics an injection of hope, and I knew I had to have more belief in myself, more self- confidence and most importantly more trust in her.

Open up my eager eyes, cos I'm mr Brightside.  I was looking forward to kicking a ball again after more than 1 week away from it but the game was postponed due to the bad condition of the pitch and I am left with lots of idle time on a Friday night, they are going out for dinner again tomorrow and even if she says he is just a friend; more than enough time for my imagination to run wild again.

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking the drag

Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now

He takes off her dress now
Let me go
And I just can't look
It's killing me
And taking control

Jealousy
Turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullaby
Joking on your alibi
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
I'm Mr. Brightside

She's right I have been way over the line, I have been an idiot, the biggest twit, and I don't know if I already blew it, but I so much want to make this work, it seems I have forgotten the lessons from all the Mayday songs, that you have to love without being afraid, and I have been reminded of them and that is what I shall try to do from now. Communication is just so so so important and I think somehow in the last 2 weeks, there was a lack of that and you can always count on mr Brightside to do the most stupid thing, let his imagination run wild.

I am just so afraid of getting hurt again.

Jealousy, the monster rearing its ugly head, irrationally brought to life by the long wait and the scene taken out of context, was she even aware of how I small and stupid I felt, how taken for granted, standing there watching him escort her upstairs, do you want to come in for a drink? I hate it when that green eyed monster takes over, when all the blood seems to have shot up to your head, and your heart pounds and burns, jealousy corrosive and burning and then the only thing you can do is to flee on your bike, your face hot, probably flush and red, that mad rush to Yishun Dam, with the candle stick power-station chimney, lit, a beacon in the night sky and I sit down on the concrete, my legs on the breakwater rocks, I sit and stare at the flickering yellow flame and gradually gain control of my emotions.

So I go back, to talk to her, "He's just a friend, are you crazy?" She always has a way of making me feel ridiculous and dumb. And I don't know what to think and do now.

What they are saying abt us in taiwan



If you are relatively socially conscious and understand chinese, this will be interesting.

I am thinking of changing bikes. To this. Don't be mistaken, I still love my bike, it was a dream come true, ever since I saw "Jiak Hong" or "Eating Air" in english, at Prince cinema if I remember correctly - the movie which made me want to ride a bike, I had wanted to own a Cagiva Planet.  Changing to a scooter though, will be much more practical. Mainly, better fuel consumption, cheaper maintenance and erm, less white smoke. 

I'll see how it goes.

"Let's elope on the last day of May."

Super sweet! (although i thought the ball tossing parts were kinda retarded) There are 3 new songs, including this on their new concert cd, which means we will all have no choice but to fork out the money,

We got the worst possible outcome. I thought by being supremely optimistic, even when she wasn't getting any better, we could  somehow coax fate into giving us a good outcome, but now I just feel like I have been a fool. The impression from the MRI scan today was that of a completely ruptured ACL, she may not be able to windsurf anymore, it will be months before she can start running, she may even have to go for an operation. This is someone I have grown to care alot for, but now I can't forgive myself, for asking her to go blading. This could be the beginning of the end, for us. 

The lights were stuck at red at the junction and with the sun's rays beating down unyielding and trapped in our greenhouse atmosphere, I was melting in my helmet, dripping sweat like candle-wax unto the fuel tank of my bike. Well it's officially MY bike now after the transfer of ownership at LTA on Monday, new insurance, and paying off six months of road-tax. The total tally came to $510 and at one juncture, I was comtemplating giving up the bike and growing up for good! That didn't happen and I am still living my dream. I signed the contract wiht MOE (yesterday, but will only start teaching in September, but that's fine, it gives me close to 2 months and I am thinking of another escape from this stuffy little island and looking for accomplices.

I met up with Rongjie today, who until recently had been working in Thailand and we went down to the old Westlake Secondary to join Hanrong or Botak and his friends for court soccer. It was uncompetitive, for a change, no teammates shouting at you, coaches screaming instructions, after two years of nothing but field soccer, most of it competitive, I had almost forgotten that carefree, careless feeling; it was stress-free and fun. 

Remembering how we used to play for hours at the Kong Hwa basket-ball court, below Terence's block, and across the canal from my place, it feels like so long ago, and it was, more than ten years, and I start to feel old, less flexible and with less enthusiasm, no longer running for every loose ball, alot less eager to take the ball past 2, 3, 4 players. 

But some things don't change I guess.  After the game, we went for drinks at Thomson plaza, which became dinner at KFC, me Rongjie and Botak and we started talking about bikes like we used to, bicycles then, motorcycles now, where we used to talk about cycling to East Coast, Changi, Sentosa, then, we talked about BMW bikes and riding all the way to Europe. And as always, trust Hanrong to come up with the most pertinent question "How will we bathe?" We talked about Candy and why I will not get another dog, about how my brother was when he was young, Rongjie's hamster Razor Ramon, who was later given to my brother, coming to a tragic end in the jaws of Candy after an escape attempt.

And then the conversation became two-way as the topic switched to women and one-night stands, and picking up girls at clubs and it suddenly felt like I have been living on another planet, I could only sit and listen as they described their various wonderful experiences , it's like they are in a whole different band, I would be in Mayday versus i dunno, Robbie Williams? Am I abnormal then, am I a loser? Or do we just have different values and expectations?

I am sorry Nerine. Sorry sorry sorry. In being playful, I have been too tactless. Jos is right, a slip of tongue and I almost lost a friend. I have been an idiot. I apologize wholeheartedly and unreservedly. Sorry sorry sorry.

 

It's raining.

The pitter patter of raindrops on the window sill this morning reminded me of another chilly rainy morning not too long ago, in Wollongong. We visited a blow hole and played in a noisy waterfall.

It's 4am and I am prematurely awake. I must be really worried. She keeps thinking its a ligament tear We are going to the doctor's later and all I want to hear is that it's nothing serious. 

Blading today at East Coast, we were all smiles and revelling in the good weather, until Jos fell and hurt her knee. I couldn't catch her.  I feel so bad now 

07/07/07 My Convocation

The alarm sounded at 645am, interrupting the dream I had been having, shattering the fuzzy world into thousands of tiny little pieces, which rose up and fled like surprised butterflies flapping their wings frantically to get away from  a clumsy intruder who had stumbled onto their glade.   

Today, officially my last day in NUS, my last day as an undergrad, the end of an era, the commencement of a new phase in my life. Thank you all who made my four and a half years so enjoyable and enriching.  That means you guys too, in fact especially you guys, Lulu, Gwen, Uncle Ed, Davidof, for our inane and ridiculous lunches and teabreaks. They may not have been that enriching but they sure were enjoyable.

The rain this morning was a welcome respite from the heat and humidity that I had been used to, but which my short stint in winter Australia had made me alien to. I feel trapped on this peculiar bat shaped rice cooker island, a model of efficiency derived from obedience, where "HE knows best" ,of campaigns afters campaign which have thus far failed to persuade our people that our lifts are not toilets, where government sponsored graffiti on our mailboxes keeps up a pretense of creativity while our truly talented people are fed to the dogs; emasculated by the snip of the censor's scissors. Safe and staid. 

I wind up the windows as the raindrops begin to fall. We have too many traffic lights on our roads. Switching to the air-con, I catch a whiff of Josephine's fragrance from last night, of Danny Ocean('s 13) and Rusty. I was on my way again, this time to meet Gwen at Vivo, for Transformers. i hadn't caught a movie for the last 2 months since Eternal Summer and now I was gonna do 2 in 2 days.   

I must be the only person in Sg yet to catch transformers, ok Jos too but she's a girl (and Transformers is hardly her generation). Heard it's awesome, and I like the theme song already. Tomorrow tomorrow with Gwen at Vivo. 

I am back and it's hot hot hot. The aircon's been switched on since how long ago, not very good for global warming. I know I know.

For those like me, a little chronophobic, here's a beautiful carpet with a beautiful message from the Melbourne Museum to assuage those fears. 

Hi Mary, realised that if i send u a postcard now it will be too late, it will reach you after I get back so here's a digital polaroid postcard, greetings from the Opera House :)