What have I done? You should be coming with me to this wedding.

Wedding.

Simian's getting married tomorrow. One of my best friends ever. I just wish I still had you to attend the wedding with. I will shake off this feeling and be the best brother he deserves.

Perhaps this is what it takes for me to grow up and become a better person.

回 忆 越 美 越 可 怕 越 挣 扎
眼 泪 越 是 要 落 下
回 来 吧 难 道 你 不 怀 念 吗

It poured and the water rose up into a flood. It's days like these that I worry about you. 

Cycle.

When it kills me I cycle. I cycle to Nicoll Highway to stare out at the river. I cycle to Switch to meet Lu and Jianhua. The band ain't up to standard, we agree. Liangting praises Shirlyn & her band. I remember your nickname for them and I chuckle to myself.

好后悔　好伤心　想重来　行不行
再一次　我就不会走向这样的结局
好后悔　好伤心　谁把我　放回去
我愿意　付出所有来换一个时光机
对不起　独自回荡在空气　没人听
最后又是孤单　到天明

真的痛　总是来的很轻盈　没声音
从背后　慢慢缓缓抱著我　就像你
你和我　还有很多的地方　还没去
为何留我荒唐地坐在这里

At the end of a long and draining day, I just wish I could call you up like I used to in the past, play a trick, tell a lame joke, maybe take on a child's voice, or just listen to your voice. But I can't now, I will never be able to anymore.

Rachel Chan was telling me on fb messenger about how her cat seems to be limping. I proceeded to type "Did he fall down?" and then I remembered our joke about falling "down" and "blue color" and corrected myself. I just can't let you go. Come back please.

In the end, this becomes our song, the song which introduced me to them.

Back to the work desk. It's actually a lot cleaner than it was last week. This week I must learn to forgive myself. Work these days is the best distraction for me. I think I lost 2 kg over the weekend.

So many occasions in the last few months, when I have felt the strong urge to pick up the phone and dial your number; like when I met David for Ice Cream which turned out to be 1-for-1 Magnum from 7-11, when Miu Miu did a double flip, when Sabrina sent me a photo of Charlotte wearing the dress we bought together, when I craved chocolate cake from Mad Jacks, when I heard Lady Antebellum on the radio, on June 11th one year on, I guess I never did because I wanted to be sure I would never hurt you again, but I took too long.

I just want to hold you in my arms again.

Symbolism.

Collected my new identification today. Goodbye 18 years of youth. Hello growing up.

TED

Caught Ted today with Dionne after work in an attempt to cheer myself up. It was funny but also thought-provoking. In Mark Wahlberg's character in the show, I see a bit of myself this year and last year, except he had a magic teddy bear to help him reconcile with Mila Kunis.

You should have been my Thunder Buddy.

I don't want to be 35 and living with my Teddy Bear. It's time to grow up and I am doing it one step at a time. Today I came home, dropped my pants in a pile on a floor and jumped into bed because I was so tired. But then I remembered,  so I forced myself to get up to retrieve it to hang on the clothes rack.

The only truly immortal thing that we have of another person is our memory of them. We may forget, they may forget. So treasure the present. Don’t hang onto the past, grasp the present. The future isn’t here yet, but you’re already despairing.

I will not despair. 
I am trying.

One day I will meet you at the Sovereign Light Cafe

I'm going back to a time when we owned this town Down Powdermill lane in the battlegrounds We were friends and lovers and clueless clowns I didn't know I was finding out how I'd be torn from you When we talked about things we were gonna do We were wide-eyed dreamers and wiser too We'd go down to the rides on east parade, By the lights of the palace arcade And watch night coming down on the Sovereign Light Café I'm begging you for some sign, But you've still got nothing to say Don't turn your back on me, don't walk away I'm a better man now than I was that day. Let's go down to the rides on east parade, By the lights of the palace arcade And watch night coming down on the Sovereign Light Café Let's go down to the bandstand on the pier Watch the drunks and the lovers appear To take turns as the stars of the Sovereign Light Café I wheel my bike off the train, Up the North Trade Road, And look for you on Marley Lane In every building, in every street side Oh, why did we ever go so far from home? Well, you got nothing to hide, You can't change who you really are, You can get a big house and a faster car You can run away, boy, but you won't go far. Let's go down to the rides on east parade, By the lights of the palace arcade And watch night coming down on the Sovereign Light Café Let's go down to the bandstand on the pier Watch the drunks and the lovers appear To take turns as the stars of the Sovereign Light Cafe

Time to grow up. I had a conversation with Weiquan just now. I guess one good thing that has come out of this ordeal is that I am closer to my brother and sister now. He said, "If you ask me, you guys weren't ready for marriage, Jaime wasn't and neither were you, but her Dad had just passed away, you should have just said Yes. Agreeing would have given her reassurance she needed." I wish I was this mature then.

What do I want now? I ask myself.

In 2-4 years time, I want to marry someone I love. We will save for our house together, pick out the furniture, the fittings, the kitchen, the bathroom tiles, her corner for clothes, my corner for photography. We will see the world together, I will cook for her, we will face anything life has to throw at us together ,we will watch the sunrises and the sunsets together and we will raise our kids well together. I want all that now.

But you are no longer here.

De cluttering

I decided to de clutter my desk today. Whilst clearing out two years worth of accumulences,  I came across this card from my first form class 1S07 of 2010. I think I was a better person then.

I have stopped crying today. I love you and I respect your decision.

How could I have been so cruel? How can I claim to love her when I let her cry for so long last year? I cry now not because I have lost you but because I cannot forgive myself.

So it ends.

Reality bites. 
I want to find my Neverland.

Taking stock.

If there is one thing I am proud of it is that I have never lied to her on serious issues. Even when my friends advised me that it was prudent not to reveal what happened, I told her the truth.

I can never lie to you. You know that.

At the end of lesson today, my students presented me with this card. I guess I wear my heart on my sleeve.

It's Okay

Bryan & Darren ask me if I think she is the girl who will make be the happiest, I told them I don't know but even if she isn't, Love is a choice and all I can say now is that I have the conviction that I am the one who can make her the happiest and that's worth trying isn't it. If I didn't feel I could I wouldn't try. But I do.

the tears start again. but I tell myself this is only a fraction of the pain she must have felt last year. even if everything comes up to naught in the end, I want to know I have tried and tried the best I have.

A strange day.

I must have looked like a wreck today. But I am thankful for everyone around me. Dionne provided tissue when I broke down at my desk. Adrian a pat on the back. Karen with words of encouragement. Bryan asked me out to Udders and shared his life story, how he and his wife overcame their trials. Rachel Chan on facebook chat. Even my student, Chermaine called me to ask me why I looked so sad.

Mr Teo congratulated me on my Big Picture win, and then asked why my eyes were swollen. I told him and his last words were: "I think you got the determination. Just be sincere and try your best."

I feel destroyed. There are some things I really want to do. But everyone is telling me to think it through.

Promises.

For once, I wake earlier than the cat.
I start sobbing and it wakes my parents up.
I apologize to my mum and my dad. They liked her a lot.
For once, we have a conversation where I didn't feel like I was being pushed
Maybe because everything is now cut and dried.
There are many things I wish I could have done differently.
But then there are also things that would not have happened if I had done things differently.




I realize too late.
And all the $500 wins in the world feel hollow.

I lost something really precious today.
I realized it too late.
And I only wish the best for you, truly.



And perhaps, now that you have had some measure of revenge.....I am finally free.

Hoping for a chance at redemption.

Chief Memory Keeper

I see myself as the chief memory keeper of the group. 

Should the day come, I know I will have the grace to say:

只求命運 帶你去一段 全新的旅程
往幸福的天涯飛奔
別回頭就往前飛奔
請忘了我還 一個人

4 years enough?

Rachel said something about 藕断丝连 today and she is right. Perhaps, it's time to move on? A new school, new environment perhaps?

Lyrics

 

总以为未来遥不可及
才发现青春像冰淇淋
融化的让我措手不及
最后的八月三十一
小时候梦得不切实际
长大后却要学着实际
我们讨厌那样的自己
无奈却无能为力
应该 厚着脸皮 活在他们期许
还是 硬着头皮 做我自己
 哪一种 的结局 是我一生回忆

 I think I read and feel too much into lyrics sometimes. But I wouldn't want it any other way.

Yokozuna.

I have always loved the word "Serendipity." And I guess discovering this Sumo wrestler shrine at the coastline of Sungei Kadut can be classified as serendipity too.

 Hougang to West Coast Park for this one shot. I think it's worth it.

A mere millisecond captured yet so many feelings it conjures up in the mind of the viewer. In the words of Wubin, 所有了不起的摄影，必然有欲望，必然有伤痕。