Valentine's Day 2009. Malacca.

Old negatives

Going through old pictures... reliving those moments in my head

445am

I am woken up by the smell of the rain. Silent replays. Memory haunts.

Together, we drove through Yosemite National Park, explored a WWII wreck underwater in Bali, walked across Tokyo in the cold to Tokyo Tower. We sat in the car and cried together when Mrs Lee Kuan Yew passed away. Those memories are so sweet yet so painful. For them I will wait.

So this student, whose Dad complained to the school last year about me scolding him actually has the cheek to request i write him a recommendation letter. He didnt have the courtesy to ask me personally if I would do it. He just assumed I would and provided my email address to SUTD. If i choose not to write, i would be petty, but if I would to write a glowing recommendation, I would be lying through my teeth. If I am honest, it would be a futile exercise. And I wonder why out of all his teachers, he came to me, because surely there are better choices, other teachers who have better impressions of him?

334am

I have just had the strangest dream/nightmare. Setting - a church of sorts. I sit down and I catch you in the corner of my eye. You are at the end in the same row/bench. I keep looking across at you but you only look to the front. And somehow I cannot stand up or move closer to catch your attention.  Next, a supermarket. Before this I could never remember how Ivan looks like but in this dream I can, finally. I stand face to face with him. He is pushing a trolley filled with fruits and he laughs and says He won't let you down. Next I am at a table having dinner with your Uncle. He asked me why I let you down. I can only say I am sorry and my heart sinks. And finally I go for a walk with you Father. He asks me about how Man Utd is doing in the league and he wears his faded Man Utd jersey and all the time I keep trying to apologize to him but he always walks a step ahead of me and I wake up in tears and I feel so tired, it's like I haven't slept. Everything so real so vividly so.

Designed this shirt for Yasa's gate-crashing. It's quite fab don't you think?

Toyed with the idea of proposing to Jaime last August before I passed her the print. In the end I didn't but Abel did. Perhaps I should have been more daring. I should have thrown all my caution into the wind. But hindsight will always make you feel sad.

Waiting behind the curtains last night. Flashbacks. And I can imagine the hurt I must have caused you. Because you were ready like Shihui was. And I can imagine although I know imagination won't come close the anguish you must have felt. It was just too soon too soon after June. I can say a million words of sorry but I will always feel sorry.

Music is all I need to make me feel better to help me imagine things were different, to help me imagine I was living in a different life, a different country. Music is my drug.

worst weekend

The upcoming weekend is surely gonna be the worst this year. Tmr I have to help Wee Dat with his proposal at Sentosa, and then Sunday I have to help Abel photograph his ROM with Jiali and on Monday Yasa's wedding - all reminders of how I have been "left behind" or am "behind schedule - reminders of the big mistake I made in 2011.

I wish I knew all this before.

徘徊过多少橱窗 住过多少旅馆

才会觉得分离也并不冤枉

感情是用来浏览 还是用来珍藏　

好让日子天天都过得难忘

熬过了多久患难 湿了多少眼眶

才能知道伤感是爱的遗产

流浪几张双人床 换过几次信仰

才让戒指义无反顾的交换

把一个人的温暖 转移到另一个的胸膛

让上次犯的错反省出梦想

每个人都是这样 享受过提心吊胆

才拒绝做爱情代罪的羔羊

回忆是捉不到的月光握紧就变黑暗

等虚假的背影消失于晴朗

阳光在身上流转 等所有业障被原谅

爱情不停站 想开往地老天荒

需要多勇敢

烛光照亮了晚餐 照不出个答案

恋爱不是温馨的请客吃饭

床单上铺满花瓣 拥抱让它成长

太拥挤就开到了别的土壤

感情需要人接班 接近换来期望

期望带来失望的恶性循环

短暂的总是浪漫 漫长总会不满

烧完美好青春换一个老伴

你不要失望 荡气回肠是为了

最美的平凡

Opportunity vs Responsibility.

So a vacancy opened up at Mypaper and Bryan asked if I wanted to be interviewed for the job. It's a small paper but a way to get in. It was very very tempting but I passed it up because I felt I had the responsibility to my students and to the projects that I had promised I would carry out for the school. I don't know if I am being stupid and if I have let the opportunity slip and if there will be others in future. I hope Yaohui gets the job though.

Went back to Old School today. It was locked up for redevelopment. 
And I realised that so much has changed; so much time has flowed by, so many places have changed, gone; and some things, some people can be lost.

Watch How You Go.

I wish that I could be your journey's end
But you are only passing through, yeah.
It's not for me to try to steer your way,
I wish you well in all you do.

Just say you'll watch how you go,
Be gracious with your light
And may the years be kind now.
Just say you'll mind how you roam,
The things that we have shared
Will soon be left behind now.


Slowly, acceptance seeps in.

I wonder if you have forgotten this little rascal. A little less little now. 

Batty

This morning I saved a bat that had fallen on the road. It bit me. Went down to Tan Tock Seng to see the doctor worrying about the $750 I might have to pay for Rabies vaccination. Fortunately the doctors there said that was not needed. 

all I heard was nothing

Another Rainy Day

Word.

快阻止 時間倒轉 當我們 再次遇見
怎樣的表情 最適合隱瞞 我依然 愛你很深
別再多看我一眼 別試探我 真的感覺
我怕 忍不住 又回頭眷戀 你連背影都溫柔
不愛 就轉身離開 一個人 把回憶推翻
不愛 否定了未來 你恨我 別心軟 我也不為難

不容許誰 還牽絆 誤解了 別離的美
不可能重來 這遺憾的愛 我們都 誠實對待
不愛 就這麼離開 一個人 被寂寞牽絆
不愛 承受這悲哀 I LOVE YOU FOREVER 不能說出來
不愛 就轉身離開 一個人 我學會忍耐
不愛 承擔這悲哀 I LOVE YOU FOREVER
我微笑離開 I LOVE YOU FOREVER
就這樣 不愛