I think I still haven't forgiven myself. I cannot. remember the events and I remember you crying, and I imagine how you must have cried for so many days and I hate and I hate and I wish I could somehow go back to redeem myself and I feel the pain in my foot and I feel I deserve this and more.

1 week later.

I am no wolverine with super healing.

给你的简讯和留言 说不清万分之一追悔

给你的简讯和留言 说不清万分之一追悔

Remember how I always tried to explain/translate their songs to you? Their songs move me so and I wanted you to be similarly moved. I miss those times. 

It really can't get any worse. Broken foot to go with a broken heart. I really hope it ain't permanent. Sometimes I vainly think that I have gone through enough trials and tribulations in the last 2 years to last my whole life.

Today my memory takes me back to September and that lost trip to Japan and the ache, it's enough to bring tears to my eyes. And it's not like I haven't tried to put the past behind.

在最好的时间遇到你，是我的运气，可惜我没有时间了。

都说人生无悔，那是赌气的话，如果真无悔，该有多无趣啊。

世间所有的相遇，都是久别重逢。

Forget me not, but I am slowly forgetting us, forgetting you.

Clementine: This is it, Joel.

 It's going to be gone soon. 

Joel: I know. 

Clementine: What do we do? 

Joel: Enjoy it. 

Last night, I was reminded of why I ran in 2011. This should have been between the two of us. It should have been, in 2011. I just made the mistake of letting my resentment with your mum lead me into thinking our values differed. Or perhaps they do differ, seeing how you are content to let her run your life.  But I think the love was always there. It may have fluctuated but I never stopped loving you.

I received a pleasant surprise this morning. After yesterday's deadline for this year's Clang Mentorship passed with no email I had thought it was not to be. But this morning I got an email from Elin, Clang's wife to inform me that their flight to New York had been delayed and I was one of the 4 John has decided to mentor this year. Silver lining after a Monday in the doldrums. The images I submitted for consideration this year, I had focused less on aesthetic and more on honesty. Perhaps that worked or perhaps meeting him last week and having supper with him may have clinched it. All I know is I have been given a fantastic opportunity to learn from one of the best Singaporean photographic minds and I should be grateful.

I go out to the coastline to cry.

My mum asked me if I was depressed yesterday. I shrugged off her question. This morning in an innocuous conversation, she brought up something which made me so sad I had to go out to the coastline, where the boats were asleep, to cry.

it's so hard when i have all the pictures.

It's so hard when I have all the pictures, and they are both beautiful and yet painful to look at and too precious to delete.

Welcome to the World

Say Hi to Olivia Choy. And if you were still with me, you would agree she's  lovely.

Don't stop believing, unless your dream is stupid then you should get a better dream.

Holiday Journal while you were asleep.

 Las Vegas Evening, June 2010.

We had a big fight this evening. Jaime wanted to have dinner at a rather famous Italian Family Diner. We were running late because we were supposed to catch Chriss Angel's Cirque du Soleil show. The GPs got us lost and I was getting flustered. I didn't mean to shout at you. I didn't mean to shout at her. I asked her to take a look at the map and see if she could figure out where we were, but she refused to. She said she didn't how to read the map. I guess for me, I lost my temper and raised my voice because she wouldn't even try. I wanted her to at least try.  I am sorry. I promise I will try to be less combustible. I will try to be less combustible. The pasta in pesto afterwards could have been the best pasta in the world but it tasted stale. I am sorry I spoilt the evening and dinner.  

I woke up missing you so much this morning.

I quote from Joe Ng's facebook status, wonderfully written :

To me it's always been about roots. A home where there's a sparkly magical connection to growing up, of belonging, of grunty nosed friendships with that tree. Yes! Trees r special! (where we hid in the branches woohoo hide n seek), that uncle shop (where we flip thru Roy of the rovers and dark knights), that stray cat (when at 9, I named him Harry n a year later he died n I cried), flinging waterbombs at ah guan and ah peng (and at dusk all our parents scream at us to come home with canes by their side). 

Then we grew up... My beloved Tiong Bahru United became Tanjong Pagar United. Anson SMC BE was held at my Gan Eng Seng. The former disappeared, was whatever gerrymandered, and the other got tossed around here there n oh heck, any lower delta where. 

And sadly I grew less younger. But that's ok. It's progress for nation building (sic) knowing that their love will tear us apart.

And I moved to lovely Pekkio all the while still pining for my tiong bahru. But the mkt veg stall fella, the regular joggers whom we exchange salute a hard sweat by a nod, n the Pacific Laundry shop couple that we counted the number of "pondings", really made my day. All this really make this home to me.

We could always end up rootless, moving from here to anywhere in this manufactured pte ltd that have the only constant- nasi lemak,bcm, chapati, dinosaur milo history. flour,fibre, protein and spam can, it won't fulfill the soul. All these is just simply living life but smelling, touching n loving the ones that matter. And holding on to what are bigger than memories damn hell work for me.

The hell with em. We make our own magic. This is our home.

And this is why we must vote right in 2016, to preserve the Singapore we know, the Singapore we love , our home.