I have enjoyed walking recently - Walking up Tanglin Road towards the field, enveloped by the shrill chirping of crickets. Walking along Orchard Road today in the evening, lost in my own thoughts, conversing with myself? I alight 2 bus-stops early because I felt like walking back home. How many dots are there in a traffic light circle? A bat flits past in front. My ipod on shuffle jumps to Deathcab for Cutie, Transatlanticism. "I need you so much closer......"
I pass the school. Children around a campfire. I never liked campfires. Were you ever a girl-guide? I was never a scout.

Bulletproof.... I wish I was.

Someone should shoot Ryan Cabrera. I was feeling ok. And then I have to hear his song, Photo on the radio in 7-11.

Been reading alot lately. Finished 3 books by Isabel Allende. The Infinite Plan, Zorro and City of Beasts. Really enjoyed them. She writes beautifully, about life, living, love, sadness and hope.

Got this off Joe Ng's blog,

On Local Music - "They tried killing off local music in the 70s. The ban on long hair and rock concerts then effectively killed off the scene and most importantly the industry. The void in the ensuing years was plugged by music from abroad. It wasn't just the recording & performance industry that was decimated. I think its worse than that.

As a teenager in the 80s and a young working adult in the early 90s, I was perplexed that my contemporaries have no knowledge of local music. The only thing they have heard of are perhaps Dick Lee, Tokyo Square and the odd songs here and there. To a lot of them "local music" is a term, an anomaly. Worse still some even treat it with disdain. It is also regarded by many of my peers as a genre. Like for example, I like sentimental hits, or I like heavy metal... or I like local music. I've only met a very rare few who have embraced it and take it to their hearts as part of their life and a personal heritage to be proud of.

Why is this so? My reckoning is as a kid/teenager, what we listen to on the radio (prior to late 80s, there was only one English radio station and one Mandarin station. No podcasting etc) determine our awareness and our approach towards it. If we don't hear it, we don't know it. So When we grow up to be adults in the 90s, we have no local music in our hearts. We don't know what it is. Many of my peers don't even think they need it. That to me is utterly tragic and sad.

Local music isn't a concept nor a genre. It is voices from songs, harmonies sung and written from our shared sociological experiences. And beyond that, it is dignity and pride that reflects an integral part of where we come from. Where we belong."

One for the memories - Macro under Basant

I find solace in the music at Wala.

Walking through underpasses at Orchard, feeling strangely like a tourist. Part of the crowd but most alone. Yami Yoghurt. Peach. Lovers holding hands pass me by. Once we were.

I board a bus and look out at the throngs of people. Feeling so alive. Thoughts that stretch time. I think of you. But you don't want to know.

Went to the Science Centre today, but not for the Dinosaurs. ( I love dinosaurs!!) Went there to help out with an excursion of kindergarden kids. Innocent, noisy kids, without a care in the world. At certain moments, I felt envious of them.

I was assigned to the tree house in the Eco-Garden where I would welcome the kids, hand out crayons and direct them to trace out animal shapes on pieces of paper. And that was how I spent half the day.

Cafe Cosmo is closing. A memory of New Year's Eve comes to my mind. Like many things in my life nowadays, too transient. I will probably be heading down there later. Serenaide are doing a gig.

Went to the Singapore Art Museum today for the fiction@Love exhibition. It was cool. Jimmy, the Taiwanese artist, the author of contributed some of his works. I also liked the short video, the 7 Lost Loves of Frank. Looking at all the exhibits gave me an urge to take up painting. Why not? Since I have alot of time to burn anyway.






Know that I do what I do because that is what my heart tells me to do. And I believe you do what you do dictated by circumstances.

An A- for Macro. Somehow I always do well for the very hard modules and screw up for the easier ones. A cap of 4.0 this sem seems like a reasonable return. And yet the feeling I get is an empty feeling. Somehow....

How can good intentions turn out so badly? Blading back from Bishan Park, I took a slight detour following my heart. Thinking in my mind," With this umbrella, She will not get drenched again." Ended up losing my handphone, and being chided. Was I asking for it?

The first thing that came to my mind was, my smses, those precious smses. Her smses. I was anxious. All I needed was a small favour to help me send an sms, to the finder saying my smses were precious, please return me the phone, I will pay you the money. And somehow that was too much. How cold. I would have done it for a stranger. So much for being someone when I have no one. I can only think that maybe her mum told her not to help. Well, I will never know.

No anger, just disappointment.

I see her and the tenderness erupts again.
She's got a lure I can't resist.
But I steel my heart and will it away.
That familiar ache returns.
It will go away. I have learnt how.

Back home in Singapore, time seems to pass faster, or maybe time passes slower when you are on the road, and your senses are heightened, you are more alert so you can react to whatever the unfamiliar surroundings throw at you. You take in the foreign sights, marvel at the differences, the surprises. I haven't lost my sense of wonder. - An elephant on the streets beside cars and tuks tuks in metropolitan Bangkok, the cute puppy at Chatuchak market with "take me home" eyes, reminding me of Candy and eliciting a brief moment of sadness, the indescribable sunrise at Angkor Wat.

Went for a movie with Davidof and Gwen today. The Da Vinci Code may be the "in" movie, but instead we opted for Paradise Lost, which to me is a must watch, putting you in the shoes of a Palestinian suicide bomber, giving you an insight on life in the West Bank under Israeli occupation.

"there are no such things as failure and success. you just live, that's all, the best you can, a little everyday; it's like a journey without a destination: it's the getting there that counts."

Isabel Allende in the Infinite Plan

Sunset at Angkor Wat


Beautiful.

This has been the funnest day in Bangkok by far. The rain stopped and we ditched the rest of the group at the shopping centre to go off by ourselves - me and Edmund. We hopped on a Thai public bus without knowing where it went and found ourselves in Bangkok's Chinatown where we had dim sum and I visited the Golden Buddha Temple, while Edmund stood outside.
After that we wandered around the back alleys and street stalls and found a place which offered Thai massage at 149 Baht!(thats about 6 dollars) We went for it and boy was it an experience. (For Edmund, it was the highlight of the trip.) No pain no gain. One hour of wrestling submission moves(you get stepped on by the masseuse) and creaking bones later, we paid and left feeling very much lighter and immensely relaxed. I definitely recommend it.

After that to the jetty where we caught a boatride along the Chao Phraya River. It was very scenic and standing at the side of the boat and looking out, for the first time in a long while, I felt really free. We took the boat to the end of the line, and then continued our wandering into a temple school, finally catching a bus to Shilom. At Shilom we decided we wanted a ride on a motorcycle taxi. I had been wanting to do that for days but with the rest of the people, they were always afraid. This time round we went for it and it was cool, flying through the jam, weaving in and out, between cars and buses. You see more on a bike. I am still smiling now :)

Sunday. This has been a long long week of thousands of kilometres. Writing this because it's raining a storm outside. Not sure what to write. Guess this picture of Penang will tell a thousand words.

Driving from Malacca to KL, it is so hard not to think. Especially when you hear songs like this on the radio - Nickelback "Faraway"


This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know


That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore


Been far away for far too long

Closure. I need that. I never wanted it to be like this. In this manner. But she has made it so. One last try, one call, to end it well. No reply. Does it say anything about the person she is? I do not want to think anymore about it. Nothing more about her. Was she worth all the anguish? I do not know. I prefer to remember only the good things. Selective recollection. I musn't let it affect me anymore, the inevitable. Instead I should open my eyes and unlock my heart.

4:43am.

Sleepless. Talking to people who are paid to stay awake. I feel down in the dumps.

"if it affects you, stop reading..." I read and I piece together a picture. I do not know if the picture is an accurate one but it does affect me. And there's nothing I can do. I can't write poetry. Her heart's flown.

all i feel tonight is the emptiness of being down.

Went for my first political rally at the Serangoon Stadium. Worker's Party. There were easily 10,000 people there. And the speakers made sense. The government has done well so far but there has to be some opposition to keep the government on its toes and to ensure accountability. I know for sure now where my vote will go.

70 storeys in the air, and I am looking down at the city below at night. I need a moment to be with myself, but the conversation has to go on, and I phase out. The view is beautiful. Silent blinking lights. We sit at the ledge and stare down curiously at the tiny moving cars crossing intersections, lost and empty. And we think maybe one more sentence we string will make those feelings go away, but I only hide them.

What did I do wrong? Move on, move on.I have got to move on. But I am stuck.

May.

Funny how when I buy a band's new album, I will put on the previous one(if I have it) and end up listening to that more.


Goo Goo Dolls

Here is Gone.

You and I got something
But it's all and then it's nothing to me
And I got my defenses
When it comes to your intentions for me
And we wake up in the breakdown
Of the things we never thought we could be

I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be all you need
Somehow here is gone

I have no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me
I'm not the one who broke you
I'm not the one you should fear
What do you got to move you darling
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I don't need the fallout of all the past
That's here between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here

I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
I can feel you falling
I know it's out there
I know it's out there
Somehow here is gone