31st

缘难了情难了。

We have been apart for 9 months now, but the heart is a strange thing. I find myself missing you more than ever,  the little things the most.  I have spent the last few months thinking about all the things I should have thought about when we were together. I think I know myself better now.  I am ready now, to get married, and spend the rest of my life with you, but you are no longer here. Why couldn't you, your mother have given me the time to come to my own conclusion? Perhaps it was inevitable then. I wish I hadn't run but what is the point of crying over spilt milk.

And on the last day of 2012, I feel as lost as I have ever felt in my life. But I also know that I will keep on living as best as I can.

Went to the aquarium today. I got the annual pass because watching fish swim about is really therapeutic. I thought of you and our dives.

To friendship

So Abel, Edmund and Shinyee have all offered to set me up with their friends. Gwen has been a constant source of encouragement. I screwed up last year and I have learnt from it. They always remind me, and I am glad for them. I know I must have done something right somewhere to have such great friends.

老地方相见 如果你发现你还有留恋 就像你不愿丢弃的相片 嗯~ 你心中的我还隐隐约约

I first heard this song many years ago. I finally understand the lyrics today. 

枯坐在窗前
有一个刻满诺言的明天 
爱上一个人 即使他不再出现
也不愿抛弃最后的情缘
 纵然是世界 辽阔
外面的精采好多
 给你的爱 那么多那么浓
你还是不懂
 我矛盾的心
不愿反复的猜
希望你能明白
 我在这里等待
就算天塌下来
希望你能明白

If we get another chance, I would buy a ring and propose to you immediately.

Some Cheer.

Abel and Jiali are back together again. Abel says the history is just too strong to let go. I am glad to have played a part encouraging him to give it a third and final shot. Which leads me to think you moved on really fast in comparison. Perhaps you didn't love me as much.

Last Refrain

I miss you so much my lovely other dinosaur. Merry Christmas.

I feel like this is their birthday song to me. I can be anything I want now. I can be your backup plan if I should choose to.

So my sojourn up north was cut short by illness. This must be the sickest I have felt in the last 3 years. Poisoned by something I ate. The bus journey back was a real torture. All this suffering is all I deserve I am sure. The world didn't end not that I expected it to.

It's not working. Outside the red church, the flowered trishaws going by reminded me of Valentine's Day a couple of years ago. I may be brave enough to come out here alone, but I am not strong enough to will these feelings away. I think I might be depressed.

Learning to live with myself.

I am heading north out of the country on my birthday because I need to relearn how to live with myself.   A part of me still wishes I had a time machine, each time I recall those painful events, I cringe, sometimes the regret brings tears to my eyes. But  I am 31 today. I think I should learn to forgive myself.

Earworm.

Fun

I was at Awfully Chocolate just now to pick up a cake for my brother's birthday when the salegirl there asked if I was a teacher. I said yes. She asked if I remember teaching her at Cedar. I was shocked. I had only taught them for 3 months and that was years ago. She said she remembered me drawing the line across the board all the way out of the class to demonstrate some maths concept I can't remember now. She said she remembered me because my lessons were fun. I think as teachers, we should always try to make our lessons fun/funny.

Today I remember the charlie brown doll you bought me from Bangkok in March. It had vampire teeth. I get all teary again.

I wake up early. It's become a habit. I watch the VLC player icon bounce up and down the screen of the mac, almost as if it was counting down....to what? I still worry a bit. I think I need to get away.... by myself.

Adrian proposed to Xinlei at Everest Base Camp. I am happy for them. I don't think she had any clue he was going to propose. It could have been something like that too for us. Sometimes I really wished your mum hadn't interfered, sometimes I wished I had thought things out more or had been less idealistic about the kind of marriage I want.

I am very worried. But I can only pray.

Rock bottom.

The best thing-in Shadow's opinion, perhaps the only good thing-about being in prison was a feeling of relief. The feeling that he'd plunged as low as he could plunge and he'd hit bottom. He didn't worry that the man was going to get him, because the man had got him. He was no longer scared of what tomorrow might bring, because yesterday had brought it.