For an hour and a half of effort, I earned a 100 dollars today. But it feels like I have lost a thousand. As I was checking their nails, I heard one of the primary school players remark to his friend, "wah today the referee handsome." Brought a smile to me.

This is the only life we have and so I did what I did, and now I know what I must do. Driving home along Shenton Way,passing by Hitachi Tower, I had this vision of the future. I know only too well that I am no crystal baller, but I will keep some hope close to me.

It irks me that I have been wrong all along. I am not angry,just fucking disappointed. I really did love her but now its no longer about the parents, is it? Its about the way she handles things. I tried to ignore the precedents believing that somehow I was not the same but it seems that has always been her way. You know, I really did believe what you told me, all the things you had said but now it has all gone terribly wrong. How do you do it and still be happy with yourself? Where is the wonderful girl I knew? Please don't do something like this to anyone else. It has been painful, acutely painful. If you are truly happy, you won't need to keep reminding yourself you are happy.


"heh" "not too bad"

It was a very vivid bad dream. In it, I read on the blog about him expressing his feelings with the lyrics of a Jay Chou song. She seems equally pleased and confused. Cryptic as usual. I run around the strange library, before I finally see them. I ask her the difficult questions, what she thinks of him and her reply, 'what better reason to forget you?'. Cuts like a knife. They pack up and leave happily, leaving me standing there in pieces. Fine then.

It started to drizzle just as I exited the train station. Tiny dots appeared intermittently, spread randomly across the surface of the puddle by the road. I met Anthony onboard the train. He came aboard at Raffles Place, where I was pondering whether to stop. I wanted to walk along the river and think of her. "What if she doesn't think about you anymore?" "What then?"

He tapped me on the shoulder and I was surprised to see him. We chatted for a while.

"Where'd you go, I miss you so. Seems like forever that you've been gone."

Saturday started at 3. (Before that,the morning was spent figuring out the Euhler Equation and that is all I want to say about damn macro. ) I cycled down to Geylang Stadium to officiate(sounds important doesn't it) in the match between the National Under 16 team and the Gombak U16 team. Derek Tan, who I haven't seen in ages was there, the physio for the Gombak team and after the game ended, we went over to Yong He for some carrot cake and soya bean. He insisted on giving me a treat saying he is working now, so I will have to remember to give him a treat back when I start work.

Cycled home for shower and then head down to Plaza Sing for dinner before Wala Wala. Silly Winnie was there at PS organising this boulderactive thingy so I pulled her along to Wala where it was sort of a mini get back together celebration for Liangting and Sabrina. Gwen, Rocky, Claire with the pretty hair, Stephanie and Anna were present so it should have been pretty fun, except the band didnt play our dedications and the place was a bit too crowded.I had a chocolate martini.

We beat business 3-2 today. We are through to the semi-finals, although I ended up with bruises on my legs and a bad one near my waist. Reached home at 11pm after dinner at Foong Seng. Deadbeat.


I would have gone with you. If only to keep you company, and no one would have to know.

I miss her. I really really miss her.

We drive past places and I can't help but think. "There are still so many places I want to bring you to." I just can't stop loving her, however hard I try. Winnie thinks it would be really sweet for someone to wait. She asks me whether I will wait.

I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more.

Drops of moonlight. A packed bus of loneliness. The bus-stop opposite the Old SMU is a trigger for the memories, from months before. But before I lapse again into painful reminiscing, I remind myself of my conversation with sarah last night and how it becomes less painful for me when I start to view her actions as selfishness. "I am disappointed in you and your hollow promises." Maybe that is how it has to be, how I should think.


Concave Scream is playing on the hi-fi. Thanks Henry. Wondering if I should add some colour to my hair. This is a busy week. JB with Anna and Claire on Thurs. RH Dinner and Dance on Friday. Futsal tourney at the cage on Sat. Yet I have little enthusiasm. Somehow it feels like I will just be going through the motions.

I am depressed. Even if I don't show it. Even if I am livening things up, making everyone smile during a boring 6-9pm lecture. Everyone tells me to forget her, plenty of girls out there, but no one is as special, at least thats how i feel now. But I know I have to take a step back and wait. 15 mins, staring at a ponytail. The tenderness in my heart killing me....

Had dinner with Henry, Moo and Xinyi(the econs one). It was pretty good. Getting to know each other better, and again everyone telling me to find someone better, which gets rather stale after a while. They don't even know her. But I appreciate their concern.

IFG starts tom. Arts vs Medicine. I want to win the tournament. And I am grateful there's soccer to take my mind off things. I' ll give it my best.

Went for service today after a long break. Wasn't really listening. It was something about Eagles flying above the storm. I resolved that I will be waiting but not pining. Like what Shinyee said. She makes sense. Went to sentosa for soccer. We won 2-1 and I thought I did well again :) as well as i could, under the scorching sun.

I won't give up on you.

I hurt. The tears keep welling up.

I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.


6.27pm at the Padang. Brighter than it was when the match started.The dark clouds have scattered and the sky is blue turquoise. 27 mins have passed. The score is 6-0 to the yellow angmor team. I drift away. Back to december. When things were rosy and exciting. Reliving the moments. A shrill whistle blast and I shake out of it. I look at my watch. 6.29pm. 2 minutes and yet so many memories. Once again I am a stalker.

People ask me why. And I can only say, I caught a sight of heaven, and it's gone straight to my head, and something in your glances, puts a spell on me.....

I was determined to do well. And I had a good game today.Was surprised to start at centre- mid, and I kept telling myself, no more underachieving, and it began from the warm-up, when in the past I would tend to slack off during warm-up, i kept reminding myself that warming up is so i can play better and avoid injuries. We beat the Italian team 4-0. Praises from my teammates will not get me big headed and complacent anymore. I will continue to improve and try my best to apply the same attitude to whatever I do from now on.

Song of the Day : Better than Ezra - Lifetime. The lyrics tell a story. A really sad story, and yet ultimately uplifting.

Allie woke up 8am. Graduation day.
Got into a car, and crashed along the way.
When we arrived late to the wake,
Stole the urn while they looked away,
And drove to the beach
'Cause I knew you'd want it that way.
And you were standing on the hood of the car
Singing out loud, when the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right, but it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind, like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing in my mind.
And three and a half minutes
Felt like a lifetime. It felt like a lifetime

And you move like water
I could drown in you.
And I fell so deep once, till you pulled me through
You would tell me, "No one is allowed to be so proud"
They never reach out, when they're giving up."

Are you sitting in the lights?
Or combing your hair again, and talking in rhymes?
Are you sitting in the lights?
When I got home, heard the phone,
Your parents had arrived. And your dad set his jaw
Your mom just smiled and sighed.
But they left soon and I went to my room.
Played that disc that you'd given me,
And I shut my eyes.
Swear I could hear the sea.
When we were standing on the hood of your car
Singing out loud when the sun came up.

And I know I wasn't right, but it felt so good.
And your mother didn't mind, like I thought she would.
And that REM song was playing in my mind.
And three and a half minutes

Felt like a lifetime.

Woke up from my nap with the realization that I am an underachiever. I am too lazy. I lack the determination to give my best, preferring to get by and scrape through. Euphemisms would include laidback, happy-go-lucky ,easy-going, they only mask the fact that I am lazy.

Add to that weak. The 2 guys obviously had designs on her, from their conversation and what they said to me before they found out who I was. And in the end, mr nice-guy brightside gave them a lift to Clementi MRT, when he hardly knew them. Even Shuying asked me why I gave them a lift.

But seeing her so happy and jumpy after the performance made my day, and going through to the next round made me so glad because she really put in alot of effort. I guess I should go to church to give thanks tomorrow. I got to talk to Shuying alot today and she is a really cool girl.

The truth is, I am really tired mentally.

It is amazing how your mood can turn in a moment. Right away I knew I would feel this way. I tried to think of how in the past when I wouldn't feel like this. Didn't work. I hate this feeling. Jealousy. And yet I can't help it. I know that I am assuming, and I don't know for sure but assumption is enough.I can't seem to shake off the feeling inside. It's in my mind but why does it make my heart feel bad?

X'Ho on Lush talking about taking a shower of light. I sure could use some of that now.

Bumped into liz just now going back from the canteen after dinner. Stopped for a chat. She had just come off a busy weekend seeing to her Grandfather's funeral. They weren't close so she wasn't that sad. Struck me as kind of ironic or even sad that the most significant thing to come out of her Grandfather's passing was that she could not hand up her essay in time and as a result will be marked down a grade.