Rainy Day Original,

"Hanging around, nothing to do but frown, rainy days and mondays always get me down...what I got they used to call the blues, nothing is really wrong, feeling like I don't belong, walking around, some kind of lonely clown, rainy days and mondays always get me down."

The best way to compound your depression is to stay at home sprawled out on the sofa curled under blankets with the fan whirring at full blast on a grey rainy day, listening to sad songs by the Carpenters.

"Hey there Delilah what's it like in New York City, I'm a thousand miles away but girl tonight you look so pretty yes you do, Time's Square can't shine as bright as you..."

I have been using Nelly's Canon digital slr around the bazaar and I absolutely love the quality of the pictures you get. The Lumix FZ7 which I have is a good camera, but it really pales in comparison, in football terms it'd be like comparing say Alan Smith or Jermaine Defoe with the likes of Ronaldinho or Kaka. Therefore, my immediate goal now is to save enough to get an slr. Remembering what i said before , "the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener.." - stop pining for people who don't care about you anymore.

I guess most of people who actually bother to read this blog must be sick of all the emo-ness these past weeks. This is gonna be a longer than usual post, but i assure you it will be alot less emo.

You might be under the impression that I am the sort fond of making wild proclamations which very often turn out to be nothing more than a five-minute fever, but this time I really do feel I am serious about this. I had turned out into Orchard Road this evening , after trading in the Prison Break discs I had borrowed for Jos for the Indiana Jones trilogy, the road was clear, and suddenly in my head, I could hear the lyrics of this song I first heard in secondary school, " I want something else to get me through this semi-charmed kind of life."  

A semi-charmed kind of life, shorn of any long term goals, living each day at a time, taking things as they come, improvising, making it up as they come along, "lets worry about tomorrow tomorrow". No longer, something's changed, it's like a switch's been flicked on inside me, a realization that this present lifestyle is untenable. The past week, I have been watching Trainspotting, Danny Boyle's cult classic over and over again, and this feels like it, the moment Renton decides he has had enough of his old life of drugs and crime, packs up and moves on up to London. "I am cleaning up and I am moving on, going straight and choosing life, the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine-to-five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die."

I wished I had brought my camera along with me, because I think I have found my dream house, up on Emerald Hill, take the picture, laminate it and stick it in my wallet, something for me to work towards, a long term goal finally, and there will be more of these to come. This goal, I don't know if I will be able to fulfil, but it is something for me to work towards.

From 881,  the message was so clear, "When there is nothing else you can do, all you can do is to wait."

一人一半 感情不散

一人一素故 感情才会久

时光累积 安静的泪滴

一心去追 爱那么可贵

这样的人 这样地等无

非是 等个回应眼神

为爱反滚 不及伤痕

甘心为你一身都浮沉

这样的人 别笑我蠢

傻傻的 心痛也不觉疼

就算天冷 就算难残忍

等你想起这没用的人

一人一半 感情不散

已经找到爱 为何要离开

On the way home, on the bus, along Bukit Timah, I think I sorted out my thinking; I will be alright.

I shall be content and grateful for the memories, we were that happy once and maybe in two months, heaven willing, we can be again. If not, we will always have these happy shared moments to reminisce on. 

Simian flew off this morning for USA again, and it feels like Deja Vu. 

Sometimes, I feel like Charlie Brown and then Wanxin becomes Lucy who will wake me up with a strong dose of reality. Cmon wake up, life is full of possibilities, it's not the end of the world. If I could make myself, I'd fall in love with her in a flash, but my heart's filled.

It's saturday morning halfway into august, and I have just about had enough of this cycle I find myself in right now, a cycle of disillusionment, encouragement, hope(false?), brainf**king, disillusionment, encouragement, hope, disillusionment over and over again. I don't want to think so much anymore, just that the thoughts won't go away. Break out break out, break out of it!

In the newspaper today, the last igloo in the artic has been taken down, as global warming frees up the artic ice for development. Now that is one worrying and sad story, but it doesn't distract me long enough. 

I want to shout out, I don't care anymore, but I know that'd be denial, because I care as much as ever. 

Do you believe in signs? Random coincidences some may say but what if we want to believe they may hold some sort of meaning, some hidden message, like this morning as I was going through the newspapers, I saw this:

She said I threw away my own chances, disappointed her too much and I agree with her, I threw it all away and now another guy has come along giving her what she needs and is it any wonder she is starting to like him? Take her away then, its too easy for you. Where does that leave me now?

Let it slide, set her free to find her own happiness. I guess thats the only thing I can do now.

This morning, sticking to instructions found on the internet(see thats what I mean by doing things the right way),  I fried my first successful sunny side up egg. In the next few weeks, I aim to pick up cooking, so if anyone has got good recipes, you know who you can share them with.

 Most importantly, I need to think before I say anything, think about the consequences and how my words will affect others. Empathy, what they said was lacking in me when I was working in NUS, drafting speeches. Its not only about the way you say things but how what you say affects others. That is something I won't be able to pick up that fast.

First up, I need an organiser/diary that I can bring along everywhere I go.

It's time to grow up. I can't wait to start work. I'll strive to be good teacher, to be a more responsible person. Being idle like I am now fills my head with all those crazy thoughts. The happy-go-lucky, the-devil-may-care-yet-I don't, "Go with the Flow" Wx will soon be gone. I am not throwing away who I am, I am just improving myself, mellowing. I want to do things the right way, I don't want to improvise my whole life, I don't want to be impromptu anymore. I want to plan, l want to have goals and act on them. I have realised that there are some things, some people in life worth fighting for. Even if she says she doesn't feel the way she did before,even if she says she can't like me the way she did anymore, I can't change the way I feel. I will be there for her. I will respect her feelings, and take a step back now, better myself, and hope that the future will bring us back together.

To all my dearest friends, the people who have given me sound and good advice, encouraged me, lent a listening ear, people like Lulu, Wanxin, Nerine, Abel, Jiali, Olivia and especially Gwen, thank you all for everything. I hope as I strive to become a better and more mature person, you will all continue to support and remind me, be honest with me, believe in me, growing up isn't easy, help me grow up right. Have faith in me, my actions will speak louder than my words.

I am still feeling horrible, but hey it's our nation's birthday. For all it's flaws I still love my country, if you love this country too, this video will warm your heart, give it a watch, it will make you smile

"God, give me grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

When you come to accept that you are already dead, you gain a measure of peace and anything you get is a blessing and a bonus.

"Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

No I don't want to forget her. This is torture. Have I lost her?
I dozed off in the second half of the Charity Shield the score tied at 1-1, eyelids finally heavy, the adrenaline finally wearing off, but it wasn't for long. I am awake again, the sky still dark, and with a horrid sinking feeling in my heart. It would be easier if I could just fall into a long long sleep and wake up on Friday but I am supposed to think, examine and reflect, which makes it appropriate that I seemed to have lost the ability to sleep.

It's 530am, the first chirping of an early bird can be heard and I am still stuck here, tossing and turning, my head in a mess, my heart aching.Do you know how much it hurts, to hear you say you trust someone u have known for three weeks more than you trust me? I will only see her on Friday, after National Day,which will be the longest time we will not see each other since Australia and perhaps this break will be good for both of us.  I resolve to use this time to sort out my feelings and thoughts. 

I am still wide awake, I can't sleep, for the tenth time, listening to Snow Patrol's Signal Fire, playing on the hi-fi in the dark. My mind goes back to that moment in malacca, that exact moment when I fell in love with her, the same song which started playing on the radio as we were sipping chendol and breaking open mangosteens. She was waiting for me and yet I went and sent that postcard. It's that easy you know, to let her go and give my heart to you, I only wish I had done it much much earlier. 

Tonight again, tactlessness, words that should never have been said, a postcard I should never have sent from down under, she cared but never showed it, and now it comes back to haunt me. What should I do now, when the words go, you keep throwing away your chances, and now I dunno if you really mean what you say and so I am giving him a chance. 

I want to tell you so much how much you mean to me, but you ask me why I didn't say them earlier, and now you don't know whether to believe me.  All I can say is that I am just a boy who likes a girl, begging her not to give up on him, all the time hoping it's not too late. 

I think it's really cool that my favorite band have got a song out on my favorite historical figure, Commandant 'Che' Guevara. You might argue that he has got alot of blood on his hands, but so do alot of other people, politicians the likes of Harry Truman with the atomic bombs , Deng Xiaoping and Tiananmen, JFK and the Bay of Pigs, and you don't even need to start on George W Bush.   Some call him a hero, while others see him as a villain. To me, Che is an inspiration because he saw injustice in the social order of his time, rather than remain comfortable in his relatively privileged upper class position, he took up the struggle against all the odds, His life story symbolizes idealism and rebellion.  

摩托車日記/  Motorcycle Diaries

Translated from Chinese

Hurtling Acrossing South America,  across 12,000 miles of poverty

I ride on, driven by a moment's impulse 

橫越過南美洲一萬兩千里的貧窮

我騎著　狂妄的　一股衝動

Vast and boundless earth , yet I can’t see a way out 

For the countless hungry children and hopeless tenant farmers

無垠的大地　種不出一個夢
只看到　那無數的　飢餓的孩子　和　絕望佃農

Ah, They are all waiting for a hero
Ah, with my revolver I take aim at the heartless sky

嗚　誰在等待英雄
嗚　我把左輪瞄準無情天空

Who’s willing to come with me, together we will create a legend
Do you dare to dream? Are you crazy enough?
Do you still have your youthful idealism

誰願意和我　一起寫一個傳說
你還夢不夢　瘋不瘋
還有沒有當初　浪漫溫柔

Who’s willing to come with me, to create a legend together
Even if they eliminate me
They can never take away our freedom to dream
誰願意和我　一起寫一個傳說
就算誰能　消滅了我
卻奪不走我們　作夢的自由

In a thousand years, a rainbow hasn’t appeared in the Indian skies
Unemployed  old people are playing the banjo
Who is sleeping in the streets, and who lives in a royal palace
The diary is full of dreams, I decide to dedicate my life to the pursuit of them

印地斯的天空　千年沒有出現彩虹
失業的　老人在　彈著斑鳩
誰露宿在街頭　誰卻住在皇宮
日記上　寫滿了夢想　我決定要用　這一生背誦

Ah, who cares to shout for freedom
Ah, I use my life to challenge fate.

嗚　誰在呼喊自由
嗚　我用生命挑戰宿命宇宙

Things have finally begun to look up. The operation was a success and Jos went for her first physio session today, and I am glad that I only start teaching in September so I can be there for her during the first few weeks, which are going to be tough, but she's a strong girl.  

In the evening after soccer, I was down at the Esplanade to catch Mercury Rev's performance, which kicks off Baybeats 07,  with Lu and Gwen. Everyone seemed to love it, but I had only heard of them vaguely and I didn't know any of the songs, so I didn't really enjoy it that much, but one thing's for sure, they are good, if a little unconventional. Joe Ng, of Mee Pok Man-Padres-Local Bar Boys-Home Club  was there too. I brought my camera out too, after like ages, since the ill-fated blading session at east coast.

I am happy and relieved : ) The operation went well without complications, and she has taken her first step to recovery. It feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders.